I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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