living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
