Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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