oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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