I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
