I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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