i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
