Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
