I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
