just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can't turn off my feet"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
