you didnt know i had herpes?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
