how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
