Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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