Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
