you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
