I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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