Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
