so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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