Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
