I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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