im six kinds of drunk right now
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
40s are totally the cure
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
