I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
