Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
