I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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