ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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