Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
