I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
