she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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