Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
