I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
