I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My liver just had a heart attack.
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.