working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
im on a boat
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