I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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