Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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