HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.