Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
