I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
