If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Duck Duck Cougar?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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