hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
