That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
