his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
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In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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