My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
