I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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