What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
