i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
