Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please