So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
