You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
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It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
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I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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