I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
