i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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