My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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