I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
