He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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