Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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