She is in my trunk
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
