I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
