You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
