how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
