just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
