"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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