half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
