Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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