I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize