he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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